Need to Break Off a Relationship with a Snarky Colleague? Ask Madeleine

Dear Madeleine,

I was made supervisor for a team at a software company about six months ago. I like the job and the people on my team, and I’m slowly figuring out how to be a decent manager. I feel lucky that I was moved to a different team so I don’t have to manage my former peers.

I have become friendly with the other supervisors—we meet to discuss priorities, stay on top of changes, and share tips. I started meeting with one of them for an occasional beer after work. At first, everything was great. But now that we’ve grown closer, they spend all of our time together gossiping about the other supervisors and trashing the people on their team.

This person talks endlessly about how stupid, lazy, and disrespectful people are. I feel like I am there just to listen to them complain. I want to talk about travel, books, movies, or fun things we have planned for the weekend.

I listen and try to empathize, but they show no interest in helping anyone or in hearing my thoughts. They are so snarky, I am afraid if I cut them off they will spread nasty rumors about me. I can’t remember what personal things I have shared—nothing terrible, but who knows what they might say?

How do I get out of this relationship without setting them off and potentially causing real damage?

Stuck with a Loser

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Stuck with a Loser,

Oh dear, this is a tough one. I am sorry. It is hard when people start out great and end up showing their true colors once the hooks are in. I am always fascinated by people who do nothing but trash others and then wonder why they have no friends at work.

Part of me wants to encourage you to reflect this person’s awfulness back to them and try to get them to see that their perception of people is part of the problem. But honestly, that kind of a hard conversation would be one you make the effort to have with people you love and have a commitment to.

Your only other option is to get away from this person as quickly as you can.

You might start by inviting as many people as will come to join you after work so there is a group you can slowly fade out of. If that doesn’t work, make something up. Am I suggesting you lie? Indeed I am. I suppose some might judge me, but I am nothing if not practical. Find a (fictional) new hobby or volunteer job that requires your attention after work. Every night. Or invent a cousin with a family emergency who needs you to babysit every evening for the foreseeable future. If you can’t stand to lie, or are too worried you might get busted, maybe find a real activity—hiking, yoga, taking a side gig as a personal shopper, or committing to writing a novel. Anything that the person won’t be interested in so they won’t ask to join you. Anything that will be more pleasant than spending time with them.

Of course, you could tell the truth—that you feel like all they do is complain and talk smack about people and you can’t spend time with them anymore. I know that might feel risky, but here’s the thing: if they are saying horrible things about everyone else in their work orbit, they are probably already trashing you when you aren’t around. There is an excellent chance everybody else has this person’s number and doesn’t listen to a word they say.

You don’t owe them another moment of your time—or, frankly, the truth. Just get away from them and try not to worry. Stay focused on doing a good job with your team and cultivating relationships with people who share your values. You are only as stuck as you let yourself be.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.